We’ve been beating about the bush here for years, Amazon but let’s be honest, it’s time for you to have a key. At first it was lunchtime dates at mine. We’d both be excited and both be there early. It was forward of me to invite you over so soon but what the hell, I was in the honeymoon haze!
Then of course my job got more demanding and it was harder to sync our timings. So you very thoughtfully tried finding a spot in between us to meet, somewhere where you could make it easily and which I didn’t have any problem collecting from.
The problem was though it wasn’t always easy to get your gear home from those lockers and so even they didn’t work out that great. There was just too much stuff that I wanted to avoid hulking home and the locker just didn’t really help.
Then finally we go to the late night booty calls. They weren’t ever really going to last. They were convenient, sure but hardly civilised.
Now it’s got a bit weird with you telling me you’re going to send stuff to me by drone. I mean it’s a sweet gesture and everything and it’ll be cool to get stuff quickly but it feels a bit unnecessary. I know you love gadgets but there’s honestly an easier way.
Let’s get down to it, it’s time for you to have your own key.
I’ve let complete strangers in to stay in my house and yet you, with whom I have had a relationship for the past 15 years I still won’t even let past the front door. So I think it’s time for us to move to the next stage. I want to give you a key and I want you to come and go as you please.
It’ll make life so much easier. I’ll be able to order the things that I want to get but which aren’t currently worth the hassle - 12 bottles of Pellegrino, milk, orange juice - hell I’ll probably end up getting most of my groceries from you. I promise too that I’ll experiment with more stuff. I’m already hooked up to your Prime gig so if you’re willing to send it, I’m willing to try it.
Any chance you could pick up returns as you drop stuff off too? That would be AMAZING. I would finally even start buying clothes from you then. Let me tell you, I live in a city and it takes me half an hour to get to the post office and that’s if it’s even open. Earning the money to buy gifts from you keeps me pretty busy and the Post Office and I have pretty separate shifts. I also don’t have a car so I’m not going to be buying anything big. I love the fact that you do returns but frankly if there’s even the faintest chance that anything needs returning then I’m going to avoid buying it.
So, let’s move this relationship to the next level. I’ll cut you a key, you promise to look after it and we’ll take this up a notch. I’m game if you are?
p.s. I realise you’re not going to carry around a bunch of keys large enough to make an Alcatraz jailer blanche. However I also have faith that you can figure out a neat lockbox or similar that I can install for our mutual convenience. Ta.